#FoundAvery
Avery's Life Lessons
Life Lesson #1: Drink coffee
Life Lesson #2: Drink more coffee
Life Lesson #3: Keep extra coffee in your possession at all times
Life Lesson #4: There is no such thing as a “small” coffee.
Life Lesson #5: This life lesson is pointless. Do not pay attention to it.
Life Lesson #6: Coffee + pecan pie = Avery’s Happy Place
Life Lesson #7: If you feel irritated, drink coffee. If you still feel irritated after that, drink more coffee. Repeat.
Life Lesson #8: To be properly drank, coffee must be served hot and black with no sugar
Life Lesson #9: Everything > Phone.
Life Lesson #10: Trains are awesome. Square dancing is awesome. But square dancing on a train? Perfection
Life Lesson #11: Christmas is exactly 11 weeks after Leif Erikson Day.
Life Lesson #12: Life looks really different and better and funnier and more awesome with that extra cup or two or three of coffee.
Life Lesson #13: Do not judge a coffee cup by its design, color, writing on it, or original intended purpose. All that matters is how much coffee it can contain. All other aspects are either secondary or irrelevant.
Life Lesson #14: There is no such thing as “too much coffee,” just “too much false propaganda.” This also applies to bacon, eggs, steak, and shrimp.
Life Lesson #15: D.E.C.A.F.: There is no acronym for this word, because it is so pointless that no one wanted to put the time and effort into making one, and no one wanted to take the credit for writing it.
Life Lesson #16: “Decaf” is a bad word. It is to be only be associated with other bad words, bad things, and bad ideas, such as authoritarianism, single-ply toilet paper, and the square dance call “dosado”.
Life Lesson #17: Buy and sell are negative words. You must say “Would you like to support the Boy Scouts by placing a popcorn order.”
Life Lesson #18: An ideal night out typically consists of food and drink, in whatever form it may come
Life Lesson #19: Doing business with friends can be both dicey & rewarding.
Life Lesson #20: Cotton is a cooling material.
Life Lesson #21: Celebrate your birthday in the most awesome way possible
Life Lesson #22: Be wary of the ever-looming clorputaor
Life Lesson #23: Followers of a thing may be stranger than the thing itself
Life Lesson #24: Passwords can block anything you want on any piece of technology you own.
Life Lesson #25: It’s only as awkward as you make it
Life Lesson #26: There are no such thing as regrets, just experiences
Life Lesson #27: There are no such things as bad ideas, just good ideas that go horribly wrong
Life Lesson #28: Never under appreciate your janitor
Life Lesson #29: [TBD]
Life Lesson #30: Some people are sheep, and others are black sheep. And others are on the moon
Life Lesson #31: Always hide your money and stuff in various places around where you live (i.e. banks, buried in the ground, secret places, etc.)
Life Lesson #32: Cold weather is good for making ice cubes.
Life Lesson #33: It is what it is. Unless it isn’t. Then it’s not.
Life Lesson #34: When at any re-sale shop, always buy every toy light saber in stock.
Life Lesson #35: When repairing shoes, superglue or silicone glue can be your most effective tools in a pinch.
Life Lesson #36: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.
Life Lesson #37: The proper response to Life Lesson #36 is “Challenge accepted”
Life Lesson #38: Live every week like its Shark Week
Life Lesson #39: Indiana University – Bloomington Wright Quad: Low expectations at its finest.
Life Lesson #40: There is no point watching Star Trek I: The Motion Picture. Don’t waste your time. Start with Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.
Life Lesson #41: Consistently describing yourself or how you feel with inspirational quotes or song lyrics can become repetitive and is not creative
Life Lesson #42: Don’t eat yellow snow.
Life Lesson #43: Duct tape is for things that do move that shouldn’t. WD-40 is for things that don’t move that should. And for lighting things on fire.
Life Lesson #44: Do not volunteer for a group activity in Spanish class when you are on very little sleep and lots of coffee and the last activity was very funny in your mind. You might laugh uncontrollably for the rest of class.
Life Lesson #45: Mixing medium roasted coffee with bold coffee and organic bold coffee creates a unique result.
Life Lesson #46: If you feel like you are going insane, or you think you’ve just lost it, drink more coffee.
Life Lesson #47: If you need to wake up, drink coffee. For faster results, spill coffee on your hand.
Life Lesson #48: When rock climbing, concentration is vital. You must be one with the rock
Life Lesson #49: “Because it’s there” is a perfectly legitimate reason for touching something.
Life Lesson #50: When saying hello to someone, the proper greeting is “good morning” or “morning” or “top of the morning.” The current time of day is irrelevant.
Life Lesson #51: When someone sneezes, coughs, yawns, hiccups, squeaks, or does anything similar, the proper response is “gesundheit.” Anyone that attempts to correct you is wrong, and they cannot be trusted.
Life Lesson #52: Using a GPS may hinder your directional aptitude.
Life Lesson #53: Use a map.
Life Lesson #54: There are people that can, people that will, and people that won’t. There is no such thing as a person that can’t. People that believe there is such a thing use the fact that they won’t as the reason for why they can’t.
Life Lesson #55: A boat must be judged not only by its speed and maximum occupancy, but by its effectiveness as a shrimp vessel as well
Life Lesson #56: Officially known by the Boy Scouts as “Camp Frank S. Betz” and commonly referred to as “Camp Betz” or “Betz”, the only fitting name for this haven is “The Illustrious Camp Frank S. Betz”. Any lesser name does not do it justice.
Life Lesson #57: Calm yourself.
Life Lesson #58: When you get in a fight with the ground, make sure you win. Be wary of the ground. The ground is everywhere. Watching…
Life Lesson #59: You must go to the top of the stratosphere. There you will meet a Romanian gentleman with an eye patch. Tap him 3 times on the shoulder, and he will illuminate your path
Life Lesson #60: The most useful aspect of a GPS is traffic data
Life Lesson #61: When possible, support local business
Life Lesson #62: When you come to a fork in the road, take it
Life Lesson #63: Anyone that puts up a fence incorrectly cannot be trusted.
Life Lesson #64: Do not push a rake, only pull it. Pushing with a rake is improperly using it. If you push a rake, you cannot be trusted
Life Lesson #65: Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen – He was #1 (from Spongebob Squarepants)
Life Lesson #66: Coffee is always the drink of choice. Unless you are dehydrated. Then coffee with a separate cup of water or any other non-energy-type-drink beverage is acceptable.
Life Lesson #67: If you reduce your caffeine intake to less than 5 cups of coffee per day, you might go insane.
Life Lesson #68: If you don’t pull out into the intersection for a left turn during a green light, and you cause yourself and everyone else to wait for the next light, you are a bad driver and cannot be trusted.
Life Lesson #69: Smile and be happy.
Life Lesson #70: Always keep your mouth clean with mouthwash and by brushing your teeth.
Life Lesson #71: Painting over finished wood is a crime. Wood must be varnished, with the grain showing. People that paint over wood have bad taste, and cannot be trusted.
Life Lesson #72: Perpetual dependence on regimes causes the fall of society.
Life Lesson #73: Purposely burning bridges is stupid
Life Lesson #74: Whoever said “may the bridges I burn light the way” clearly never heard of a flashlight
Life Lesson #75: When someone is talking on the phone, do not say anything to that person. Any comments from you make the person on your end not hear the person on the other end, disrupting the conversation and making everyone look like an idiot. People that do this cannot be trusted.
Life Lesson #76: When eating something with powdered sugar, make sure you do not get powdered sugar all over you and then walk past a cop.
Life Lesson #77: All things that you wear and carry around with you must have a story you can tell about it. The story does not have to be real, and it should be fitting to your personality.
Life Lesson #78: Insulated coffee cups are not necessary. If your coffee needs an insulated cup to stay warm, you are not drinking it fast enough.
Life Lesson #79: Coffee cups were not designed to get caught in an elevator. So if your’s does, and the cup survives, you have found a truly remarkable coffee cup.
Life Lesson #80: When you are at a loss of words, say a Steve Banacek quote. The floor will be yours.
Life Lesson #81: Jokesters on social media posts are almost exclusively not funny, and should all be blocked immediately
Life Lesson #82: Percolators are good conversation starters and subject changers.
Life Lesson #83: The correct response to “I don’t understand” is “The great thing is you don’t have to.”
Life Lesson #84: 7 is not that different from 6.3. A difference of .7 means nothing.
Life Lesson #85: When worn, all of your name tags are to be turned up-side-down. If someone asks you why, tell them they wouldn’t understand, and refer to Life Lesson #83.
Life Lesson #86: There is a reason to why you are to be turn all your name tags up-side-down in Life Lesson #85. However, no one would understand.
Life Lesson #87: When eating a rock, you should know 3 things: 1) you have a problem, 2) you might want to see a psychiatrist, 3) you might want to see a dentist.
Life Lesson #88: You do not want to lose points.
Life Lesson #89: Remember: what is not, might have been. And what is, could easily have not been.
Life Lesson #90: Next to coffee and pecan pie, more cowbell is your greatest ally.
Life Lesson #91: When in doubt, everyone must turn to the person who has drank the most coffee. That person’s clarity is unquestionable.
Life Lesson #92: Always wear bright colors so you can spot yourself in a crowd.
Life Lesson #93: Be whatever.
Life Lesson #94: Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
Life Lesson #95: If you forget what you are talking about, drink coffee. You might not remember what you were talking about, but you’ll feel a lot better.
Life Lesson #96: Do not inhale powdered soap. It’s not fun.
Life Lesson #97: When possible, use the biggest words you can think of.
Life Lesson #98: When laughing, say that what you are laughing at is funny, and state the fact that you laughed. For example: “Hahahahaha. That was funny. Hahaha. I laughed.”
Life Lesson #99: Grammar and spelling expectations are a great way to derail a conversation
Life Lesson #100: If it looks stupid, but it works, it may not be stupid. Though it probably is.
Life Lesson #101: Caffeine consumption is to be measured on a scale of motionaless to Matt Foley (inspired by Saturday Night Live)
Life Lesson #102: The song “Puff The Magic Dragon” is about exactly what you think it’s about: the post-colonial effect on the exportation of the culture of South Antarctica (inspired by Blog Creedthoughts)
Life Lesson #103: You can catch flies the normal way, but you can catch way more flies with really friendly decoy flies (inspired by Blog Creedthoughts)
Life Lesson #104: Any negative synergy dynamics matrix can be solved with Schwartz Feld’s Tesseract (inspired by 30 Rock, NBC)
Life Lesson #105: Root beer floats. It does. I tested it (inspired by Blog Creedthoughts)
Life Lesson #106: The song “I am the Walrus” is about the formation of operating subsidiaries designed to enhance the yield of previously manufactured marketable merchandise outside the confines of predetermined demographics and localities.
Life Lesson #107: Creed Bratton’s Blog “Creed Thoughts” contains excellent information on life
Life Lesson #108: When your cell phone rings, yell an obscenity, throw the phone across the room, and check it a minimum of 3 days later. This is the proper way to answer a phone.
Life Lesson #109: If you associate yourself with what is known as a “small” coffee, which do not exist (see Life Lesson #4), you cannot be trusted.
Life Lesson #110: In addition to Life Lesson #50, food and meal greetings are acceptable welcoming statements, along with “morrow” and “good morrow.”
Life Lesson #111: Time isn’t real (inspired by Blog Creedthoughts)
Life Lesson #112: If, for some reason, you have to understand something, refer to Life Lesson #1. If you still do not get it, refer to Life Lesson #2. If, after that, you still do not understand, you are truly a lost cause.
Life Lesson #113: People that cannot be trusted or are lost are to be shunned until they redeem themselves.
Life Lesson #114: When asked “Letterman or Leno,” the correct answer is Letterman.
Life Lesson #115: Smart phones are the worst
Life Lesson #116: When determining a plan of action, it must be simple and easy to remember.
Life Lesson #117: There are so many damn messaging apps
Life Lesson #118: If you can’t do a good handshake, do a fist bump
Life Lesson #119: Create unhelpful acronyms
Life Lesson #120: Christmas Season does not begin until after Thanksgiving. People that celebrate Christmas before Thanksgiving in any way (including decorations and music) cannot be trusted.
Life Lesson #121: In order to save time and money, buy all of your Christmas and Birthday presents throughout the year instead of the week or month before. This is acceptable and preferred, and you actually get better gifts that are also cheaper.
Life Lesson #122: The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma
Life Lesson #123: When given the opportunity, always complete the trifecta.
Life Lesson #124: No Life Lesson is safe from demotion
Life Lesson #125: The more familiar you are with a game, the better you can play it
Life Lesson #126: Philosophies may change over time
Life Lesson #127: Jam is different from jelly, and those two are different from preserves. Those that do not acknowledge these differences cannot be trusted.
Life Lesson #128: Jam is superior to jelly. Preserves are to be judged on a trial basis
Life Lesson #129: Although jam is superior to jelly, jelly is still good.
Life Lesson #130: Keith Arnold makes the best jam ever made. Those that disagree cannot be trusted, and cannot be redeemed.
Life Lesson #131: Leif Erikson Day is an official holiday in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Life Lesson #132: When sneezing, revert to sneeze humor.
Life Lesson #133: Collect spoons.
Life Lesson #134: When collecting spoons, encourage others to do the same.
Life Lesson #135: When spoons are not available, it is acceptable to collect forks.
Life Lesson #136: Eagle Court of Honors are one of the best events to collect spoons.
Life Lesson #137: Always look good.
Life Lesson #138: Do not die.
Life Lesson #139: If for some reason you have to die, do it looking good.
Life Lesson #140: For the first 8 hours of sleep you want to avoid, drink 6 cups (2/3 pot) of coffee per hour. For the next 2 hours after that, drink 9 cups (1 pot) per hour. From that point forward, add 2 cups per hour for every hour you stay awake until you die (1150 cups of coffee).
Life Lesson #141: Life Lesson #140 will kill you. Do not disobey Life Lesson #138
Life Lesson #142: Avery’s Life Lessons apply to anything and everything that has to do with anything or everything.
Life Lesson #143: Avery is the judge in all things concerning Life Lessons. He can add and/or change these notes/rules whenever, for whatever reason. His say is final, and he always wins the argument.
Life Lesson #144: Grammar does not apply to Life Lessons, though it should
Life Lesson #145: Avery’s Life Lessons are never wrong.
Life Lesson #146: Avery’s Life Lessons are never wrong.
Life Lesson #147: Tim Loquist is the implied constant to all fire related activities and Life Lessons.
Life Lesson #148: All Life Lessons apply to all other Life Lessons.
Life Lesson #149: Life Lessons are not to have pictures, links, or any other attachments. They must be words only, and are all of equal profoundness.
Life Lesson #150: Never underestimate the power of a thank you note.
Life Lesson #151: Do not admit to false things.
Life Lesson #152: Caffeine will cause productivity to skyrocket.
Life Lesson #153: Always keep a tool kit in your possession.
Life Lesson #154: A Swiss Army Knife or multitool can count as a tool kit for most, but not all, situations.
Life Lesson #155: For some tasks, all one needs is a butter knife, a Swiffer duster, and a stick.
Life Lesson #156: You know a plan is good if it is a two-part plan.
Life Lesson #157: Always know your opponent, and be one step ahead of them.
Life Lesson #158: Reality TV is not stimulating.
Life Lesson #159: Bird Internet.
Life Lesson #160: Never go with a stranger to a second location.
Life Lesson #161: Keeping your enemies close is actually a really good idea.
Life Lesson #162: Overstudying is just as dangerous as understudying. Figure it out, and when you got it, stop. Don’t second guess yourself. Have confidence in that you know what your talking about.
Life Lesson #163: If something has your name on it, it’s yours.
Life Lesson #164: If you see something, and then write your name on it, it’s yours.
Life Lesson #165: The first name that is put on an item is the one that counts.
Life Lesson #166: There can only be one name on an object. But if there are multiple, the biggest one takes precedent.
Life Lesson #167: Always keep a marker on you and readily available so you can write you name on something at a moments notice.
Life Lesson #168: Some people stand their ground. Others sit. The puzzlers are the kneelers
Life Lesson #169: Confidence and eye contact are key to keeping control in a situation.
Life Lesson #170: Learn how to use a compass and a map
Life Lesson #171: Licking doorknobs may be illegal on other planets.
Life Lesson #172: The temptation to use the bifurcated tongue to open the door is great, but not sanitary
Life Lesson #173: Life isn’t fair
Life Lesson #174: Fairness is just an idealistic concept used as justification by those who want what someone else has
Life Lesson #175: Never leave a voicemail you wouldn’t want anyone else it was not intended for to hear.
Life Lesson #176: Never play your voicemail out loud when other people can hear it.
Life Lesson #177: Grapes of Wrath, chocolate chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. These can complete a night.
Life Lesson #178: Always be prepared for a snowball fight
Life Lesson #179: Gloves are very useful in a snowball fight.
Life Lesson #180: “I can’t help it” isn’t a valid excuse. You can. You just chose not to.
Life Lesson #181: Some Life Lessons can be and are redundant.
Life Lesson #182: Some Life Lessons can be and are redundant.
Life Lesson #183: Layers are the key to staying warm.
Life Lesson #184: A port-a-fire is the most effective movable heating device.
Life Lesson #185: Always live life with honor.
Life Lesson #186: A complete individual must drink coffee
Life Lesson #187: The solution is coffee. The question is irrelevant.
Life Lesson #188: Receiving high honors are early ages may indicate that one does not understand the meaning behind the honor
Life Lesson #189: It’s always best to kill two birds with one stone.
Life Lesson #190: The key to killing two birds with one stone is to have a big rock and small birds
Life Lesson #191: Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
Life Lesson #192: The appropriate time to begin celebrating Christmas is December 2st. Celebrating Christmas before then is disrespectful to Thanksgiving.
Life Lesson #193: Wambo
Life Lesson #194: I Wambo
Life Lesson #195: You Wambo
Life Lesson #196: He, she, we Wambo
Life Lesson #197: Wamboing
Life Lesson #198: Wambology: The study of Wambo
Life Lesson #199: Wambo is second grade material
Life Lesson #200: Bacon
Life Lesson #201: If you don’t like Bacon, you’re wrong
Life Lesson #202: Always be outstanding in your field
Life Lesson #203: Always be out standing in your field
Life Lesson #204: It’s amazing how much a comma can change things
Life Lesson #205: It’s amazing how much a coma can change things
Life Lesson #206: It’s amazing how much an extra letter can change things
Life Lesson #207: It’s amazing how much different word can change things
Life Lesson #208: It’s amazing how much an extra space can change things
Life Lesson #209: Any Life Lesson that speaks of Decaf “coffee” is an extension of Life Lesson #5
Life Lesson #210: Coffee
Life Lesson #211: In addition to coffee, drink water
Life Lesson #212: Your opinion does not change fact
Life Lesson #213: Acknowledge the potential of your own ignorance
Life Lesson #214: Stupidity in numbers can be powerful
Life Lesson #215: Education is so important
Life Lesson #216: People who role their eyes cannot be trusted
Life Lesson #217: Milk is good
Life Lesson #218: Never meet your heroes
Life Lesson #219: Hawaii Five-O, The Untouchables, Magnum P.I., The Dick van Dyke Show, The Andy Griffith Show, and Monk. All awesome shows
Life Lesson #220: Andy Taylor, Barney Fife, and Opie Taylor were the original Two and a Half Men
Life Lesson #221: If you talk through your nose, you can eat and talk at the same time
Life Lesson #222: Unchecked anger can lead to indiscriminate destruction
Life Lesson #223: High school and college relationships are painful
Life Lesson #224: A long distance relationship is never the correct idea
Life Lesson #225: The only person you can truly trust is yourself
Life Lesson #226: If you cannot trust yourself, then regaining that trust must be a priority
Life Lesson #227: Rhythm is key
Life Lesson #228: Expressing the weird is the most important part of life
Life Lesson #229: Short answers are ideal
Life Lesson #230: Long answers are ideal
Life Lesson #231: Wordy non-answers are a choice
Life Lesson #232: No matter how warm the smile on the face of the sun, the cat still has her kittens under the porch
Life Lesson #233: Though the hippopotamus has no sting on its tail, the wise man would still rather be sat on by a bee
Life Lesson #234: Only the centipede can hear all the one hundred steps of his uncle
Life Lesson #235: A wise man never tries to warm himself in front of a painting of a fire
Life Lesson #236: Never reveal everything you know to anyone.
Life Lesson #237: Merry Christmas?
Life Lesson #238: Led Zeppelin is not a heavy metal band, or a metal band. They are nothing close to that genre.
Life Lesson #239: Anyone that thinks that Led Zeppelin is a metal band cannot be trusted.
Life Lesson #240: Coffee and biscuits with honey is an incredible part of breakfast.
Life Lesson #241: When getting a donut, choose something better than a plain glazed donut. You can do better.
Life Lesson #242: Krispy Kream donuts are an exception to glazed donuts.
Life Lesson #243: Coffee is the implied constant to all Avery Law. It always comes first.
Life Lesson #244: Getting rid of leather and cloth couches and bringing in a couple of cows to sit on is way more organic and would provide a real conversation piece
Life Lesson #245: Overthinking causes problems
Life Lesson #246: Do not let things get to you
Life Lesson #247: Never be taken for granted
Life Lesson #248: Don’t take anything for granted
Life Lesson #249: Compartmentalization is key, but you can have too much of it
Life Lesson #250: Anything worth doing is worth over doing to the point of injury
Life Lesson #251: If you drink your coffee black with no sugar, then order the Americano at Starbucks
Life Lesson #252: Exchanging a beadwork design for a lava lamp is a fair trade.
Life Lesson #253: Although they are good, Seasons 6-8 of the Andy Griffith Show will never beat Seasons 1-5.
Life Lesson #254: When faced with drinking hot coffee out of a red solo cup, always take the coffee. The benefits greatly outweigh the problems.
Life Lesson #255: When playing the piano or betting on a horse, turn to the ways of The Reverend Jim Ignatowski 19
Life Lesson #256: When throwing a rock, turn to the ways of Ernest T. Bass
Life Lesson #257: Eat off-brand double stuffed oreos from Aldis for a quarter of the price.
Life Lesson #258: “I” before “e” except after “c,” and “e” before “n” in “chicken.”
Life Lesson #259: Never watch any of the Species movies if you have something better to do
Life Lesson #260: Diners, Drive-In’s, and Dives in an incredible show
Life Lesson #261: Rope is a great tool
Life Lesson #262: If you can’t have fun, there’s no sense in doing it
Life Lesson #263: The opera. Nothing like a girl in a metal bra
Life Lesson #264: “It’s a Wonderful Life” is an incredible movie
Life Lesson #265: Although good, the 2010 remake of Hawaii Five-0 will not be better than, surpass, or be more popular than the original Hawaii Five-O.
Life Lesson #266: Always wear two undershirts, because you never know when you’ll walk into a strip poker game
Life Lesson #267: Analyze, Strategize, Succeed
Life Lesson #268: If you’ve got a forest and a lighter, you’ve got dinner
Life Lesson #269: If you have a mug and coffee beans, you can make coffee
Life Lesson #270: Ctrl+Alt+Tab+F6+Escape+insert a CD+F5+water on the spacebar = short out the computer’s motherboard
Life Lesson #271: Insanity is a lie created by those that drink less coffee than normal people
Life Lesson #272: If injury isn’t a given threat for an activity, then it isn’t worth doing in the first place
Life Lesson #273: It is impossible to be in the woods and be in a bad mood at the same time
Life Lesson #274: If you eat enough saltine crackers, you will get thirsty
Life Lesson #275: Drink coffee whenever it is available
Life Lesson #276: When asking questions, it is acceptable to act like Larry King
Life Lesson #277: Always get the name AND number of the waitress
Life Lesson #278: If you have a jar of rocks, that is a good thing
Life Lesson #279: If you do not have a jar of rocks, that is a neutral thing
Life Lesson #280: If you do not want to have a jar of rocks, that is a bad thing
Life Lesson #281: If you have a jar of dirt, that is acceptable
Life Lesson #282: If you have a jar of leaves, that is acceptable, but strange
Life Lesson #283: Always own a sword
Life Lesson #284: The sword that you own does not have to be real. It can be for show
Life Lesson #285: Buck, Kershaw, and Victorinox are the most worthy knife suppliers
Life Lesson #286: Leatherman is the most worth multitool supplier.
Life Lesson #287: Gerber can be a worthy knife and multitool supplier is special circumstances, like if it is made in America
Life Lesson #289: Always keep a pocket knife on your person at all times
Life Lesson #290: Learn how to sharpen your knife
Life Lesson #291: If you have an empty coffee pot, that is bad. You need to make coffee
Life Lesson #292: If you have a full coffee pot, that is good, because you have coffee. But it is also bad, because you have not yet drank your coffee
Life Lesson #293: The show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” holds up
Life Lesson #294: Lava lamps are awesome
Life Lesson #295: There must be a lava lamp in every room and place
Life Lesson #296: Watching a lava lamp and drinking coffee is an awesome activity
Life Lesson #297: Coffee is an excellent pain killer
Life Lesson #298: Coffee can cut your walking time in half
Life Lesson #299: When someone asks you to teach a class, always say yes
Life Lesson #300: Breakfast is the best meal
Life Lesson #301: Breakfast food is the best food
Life Lesson #302: Aways eat breakfast food when possible
Life Lesson #303: Always have a guy for everything
Life Lesson #304: Poems are weird
Life Lesson #305: Poems about awesome things are awesome
Life Lesson #306: The Led Zeppelin movie “The Song Remains the Same” is incredible, and must be watched by everyone in every type of situation
Life Lesson #307: Stroopwafels are excellent food to eat while drinking coffee
Life Lesson #308: Stroopwafels are to only be eaten with coffee
Life Lesson #309: 1960’s and 70’s Classic Rock, and Blues are the music of choice
Life Lesson #310: Avoid accidentally dropping a stroopwafel in coffee
Life Lesson #311: When it is wet outside, wear wool socks.
Life Lesson #312: Running out of beads is sad
Life Lesson #313: Running out of coffee is a disaster
Life Lesson #314: Forgive and forget may not be productive. A better course of action is to learn, act accordingly, and move on
Life Lesson #315: Cast iron is the superior cooking material, though carbon steel and stainless steel are quite good
Life Lesson #316: Any compliment given by Avery is true and accurate
Life Lesson #317: Be confident with your weirdness
Life Lesson #318: English muffins are to be split apart with a fork, not cut apart with a knife
Life Lesson #319: Cosmo Kramer is a role model
Life Lesson #320: Do not make your loom too tight
Life Lesson #321: Having a steam whistle would be awesome
Life Lesson #322: Any restaurant that serves 5 egg omelets is probably an excellent restaurant
Life Lesson #323: Cash is king, but credit card rewards are emperor
Life Lesson #324: Conscience
Life Lesson #325: Equity
Life Lesson #326: If not stated, assume the bandolier bag is of Ojibwa origin.
Life Lesson #327: October 22 is Wombat Day
Life Lesson #328: Redonkulous: A word that sounds like a ridiculous donkey
Life Lesson #329: Honkey Tonk: The sound of a donkey getting hit by a truck 2
Life Lesson #330: When repeated multiple times, “giraffe” is a really weird and funny word
Life Lesson #331: If you throw a frisbee the wrong way, it will veer off in a bad direction, and then someone will fall into a quarry
Life Lesson #332: When grieving, follow The 5 Stages of Grieving:
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Shoving down emotions and proceeding as if everything is fine
Life Lesson #333: Some things are only half evil
Life Lesson #334: Be like the chameleon: always a lizard
Life Lesson #335: When immersed in your environment, be like the chameleon
Life Lesson #336: Be wise, like a genetically manipulated shark
Life Lesson #337: Rock jokes are solid, and are always acceptable
Life Lesson #338: Use bifold wallets, not trifold wallets.
Life Lesson #339: Build character. Drink coffee. Eat bacon.
Life Lesson #340: If you are looking for something to do, go to an underground bird fight
Life Lesson #341: Those that are always in a relationship and constantly jump from one to another may have low self esteem
Life Lesson #342: If you do not understand the single life and have not been single for extended periods of time, then you may not be ready for a relationship
Life Lesson #343: Therapy is important
Life Lesson #344: Pretend to be your own wax figure at a wax museum
Life Lesson #345: Make the movie profitable
Life Lesson #346: Creamy beige
Life Lesson #347: Always have a thoughtful staring spot
Life Lesson #348: In addition to your thoughtful staring spot, always have a visitors thoughtful staring spot
Life Lesson #349: Cough syrup is an acceptable drink if it is the only option available
Life Lesson #350: Be a moon scientist
Life Lesson #351: Learn new words, like “enumerate”
Life Lesson #352: Life Lesson creation is most productive with caffeine
Life Lesson #353: Always keep cookies in close proximity
Life Lesson #354: Get the Tarantula Misplacement Award
Life Lesson #355: If someone gives you a reef shark, just put it in a tub with a reef
Life Lesson #356: If you have a pet reef shark and you travel a lot, make sure you also travel with a reef
Life Lesson #357: Always reasonably accommodate your pet. For example, if you have a reef shark, then make sure your reef shark has a reef
Life Lesson #358: Always reasonably accommodate your reef shark
Life Lesson #359: Watching a blind guy bite a police horse is messed up
Life Lesson #360: If a puppy dies after he sees it, then you need to clean your bathroom
Life Lesson #361: If you bite into a burrito and there is a child’s shoe in it, you might not want to go back to that restaurant
Life Lesson #362: You know its a bad neighborhood when you see a prostitute eat a tire
Life Lesson #363: You really need to ponder life when a pack of wild dogs takes over and successfully runs a Wendy’s
Life Lesson #364: Sewer people steal skateboards
Life Lesson #365: If someone tells you that you drink too much coffee, or to stop drinking coffee, just stop talking to them. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Life Lesson #366: Things can be different from year to year
Life Lesson #367: Never get too close to your pet cactus. It might stab you
Life Lesson #368: Imagine your heart trying to hug your brain. This is a sensation of drinking coffee
Life Lesson #369: Build up to things gradually
Life Lesson #370: Mirco-management is not an effective leadership style
Life Lesson #371: Micro-managers are not good managers, and should be removed from their positions
Life Lesson #372: Management schools greatly discredit the value of micro-management, and call it a poor management style
Life Lesson #373: The road from legitimate suspicion to rampant paranoid is very much shorter than we think
Life Lesson #374: Anyone that calls a phone number “digits” cannot be trusted
Life Lesson #375: Internet stuff in general is just overall weird
Life Lesson #376: When you tell the truth, you never have to remember later what you lied about
Life Lesson #377: “Should” is a bad word. Those that use it too much cannot be trusted
Life Lesson #378: When asked “Name everything you can do with a brick,” you must be able to continuously give answers nonstop forever
Life Lesson #379: Live in a town so small that they have a fraction for a zip code.
Life Lesson #380: If your head doesn’t explode then you’re still alive
Life Lesson #381: Beware of the skunk. They are fast, and will chase you to your door.
Life Lesson #382: Try not to have the personality of an icicle. You might be cool, but you’re also frozen solid
Life Lesson #383: In Star Trek, the Ferengi view their partners as the enemy when it comes to relationships. Use this information as needed
Life Lesson #384: When doing anything that concerns baseball, wear sunscreen.
Life Lesson #385: The difference between a fish and a banana is that a fish has scales and swims in the sea, and a banana is a fruit.
Life Lesson #386: Being ostracized doesn’t feel good, but those people have given you a gift, in that they have told you that they are not worth being around.
Life Lesson #387: The more effort you put into cleaning your apartment/bathroom before a first date, the more you like them.
Life Lesson #388: Kershaw is a worthy knife brand.
Life Lesson #389: Only buy pocket knives that are made in America.
Life Lesson #390: Some pocket knives are more appropriate for certain situations than others.
Life Lesson #391: Take notes
Life Lesson #392: Organize your notes
Life Lesson #393: Create your notes so that only you can decipher them
Life Lesson #394: Confuse others that may read your notes
Life Lesson #395: Highlighters are great when taking and reading notes
Life Lesson #396: If you don’t take notes, you will forget
Life Lesson #397: Do not forget your notes, but if you do, that’s why you have notes
Life Lesson #398: To make coffee, all one needs is water, coffee grounds, a percolator, and a blow torch. Insulated gloves are optional.
Life Lesson #399: If you are driving with the windows down while listening to loud music and it starts to rain, it is acceptable to keep the windows down. A little water never hurt anyone.
Life Lesson #400: Weirdness is subjective.
Life Lesson #401: When life gives you dilemmas, make dilemonaide.
Life Lesson #402: Do not define yourself by your relationships with others, but by yourself.
Life Lesson #403: People that define themselves by their relationships with others without understanding their own self first cannot be trusted. (aka, use others to define themselves)
Life Lesson #404: If you have a lot of stuff, get rid of some of it.
Life Lesson #405: How free someone or something is should be measured on a scale of 1 to a college text book
Life Lesson #406: Text books are a scam
Life Lesson #407: If you happen to acquire an electric wine bottle opener, and you don’t need it, give it to someone who does.
Life Lesson #408: If it’s actually Tuesday, but it feels like Wednesday, it’s still Tuesday.
Life Lesson #409: If you have a basement full of stuff, it’s quite possible that you’ll never need to buy anything ever again.
Life Lesson #410: All dinosaurs need a saddle when they ride sharks.
Life Lesson #411: Life is life as long as there’s coffee
Life Lesson #412: Be generous in charity. Be ruthless in bargaining.
Life Lesson #413: The rush you get from negotiation and bargaining is unlike any other.
Life Lesson #414: Everyone that comes home from college for the summer is either really excited or just waiting for school to start up again. There’s no in between.
Life Lesson #415: When you get an awesome idea, act on it. And then eat it. Because that awesome idea undoubtedly had to do with food.
Life Lesson #416: If you know and understand Avery’s Life Lessons, you should be able to have an answer for any question someone asks you, and and accurate response to every action.
Life Lesson #417: You can find some weird and awesome stuff in shirt pockets.
Life Lesson #418: Quarters are the best coins.
Life Lesson #419: The only things that fall out of lamps are genies and dead silver fish
Life Lesson #420: Relax
Life Lesson #421: Sauerkraut and sausage tastes and smells amazing
Life Lesson #422: If you take a bath in the sink, your kitchen might flood.
Life Lesson #423: “Fine” never means “fine.” If someone says that someone or something is fine, that someone or something is not fine at all.
Life Lesson #424: Own multiple coffee pots
Life Lesson #425: A hot nut roll with vanilla icing is incredible
Life Lesson #426: Every room in a house or apartment must have at least one coffee maker
Life Lesson #427: It’s ok to not return a borrowed coffee pot to someone right away if you are using. The person it should be returned to should have at least two backups anyways.
Life Lesson #428: Socks are good
Life Lesson #429: If you have a bunch of stuff, but you haven’t used it in many years, or you didn’t even know you had it, get rid of it.
Life Lesson #430: Wendy’s plastic spoons are the perfect caulking tool
Life Lesson #431: Come up with creative ideas
Life Lesson #432: Any salad is a Caesar salad if you stab it enough times
Life Lesson #433: You can’t get a boat without boat store
Life Lesson #434: It would be easier to count to 7 if 7 came before 5
Life Lesson #435: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.
Life Lesson #436: If it’s time to turn in your taxes, then you have missed April Fools day
Life Lesson #437: Coffee is always a given
Life Lesson #438: Hail: natures ice
Life Lesson #439: Always have a decoy place to live
Life Lesson #440: Instagram is the video version of Twitter.
Life Lesson #441: Twitter is the short version of Facebook
Life Lesson #442: Snapchat is the video version of texting
Life Lesson #443: Vine was the short version of YouTube
Life Lesson #444: No one knows what Vine is anymore
Life Lesson #445: If Life Lesson #5 describes you, then have no life and need a new one.
Life Lesson #446: If you have no life and need a new one, drink coffee. This will spawn a new existence that you never thought was possible.
Life Lesson #447: Always have a bag of stuff.
Life Lesson #448: Donuts and coffee are a good snack, no matter what time of day it is.
Life Lesson #449: Being electrocuted is a shocking, but enlightening experience. It is truly a current event, and many get a charge out of it.
Life Lesson #450: Libraries have basements
Life Lesson #451: As a rule, the even numbered Star Trek movies are generally better than the odd numbered ones.
Life Lesson #452: Star Trek III: The Search for Spock can be considered an exception to Life Lesson #451.
Life Lesson #453: Coffee is made from the coffee bean. Decaf “coffee” is made from dirt.
Life Lesson #454: Veganism is not cheesy
Life Lesson #455: When you eat a bagel, eat it like a boss.
Life Lesson #456: Permanent markers are awesome
Life Lesson #457: Fireworks fuses are awesome.
Life Lesson #458: Big fires are better. And awesome.
Life Lesson #459: PMA = Positive Mental Attitude
Life Lesson #460: Time zones are weird
Life Lesson #461: Constantly moving between time zones makes things weird.
Life Lesson #462: Although weird, time zones aren’t that bad of an idea
Life Lesson #463: Don’t mess with a guy’s hat.
Life Lesson #464: Bending down to tie your shoes after eating a lot is not fun
Life Lesson #465: Circle your target
Life Lesson #466: Plethora
Life Lesson #467: Myriad
Life Lesson #468: Always acquire the newest type of borkulator
Life Lesson #469: Go around the obstacle.
Life Lesson #470: Fluorescent light bulbs are a lie. Go with the LED
Life Lesson #471: Despite cell phones, iPads and computers, television is still the most effective portal for poltergeist
Life Lesson #472: A guy on a bike can be misconstrued as a pre-op trans centaur
Life Lesson #473: Recycle everything, including jokes
Life Lesson #474: The story of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” has two morals: 1) If you always lie, no one will believe you, even if you are telling the truth, and 2) Never tell the same lie twice.
Life Lesson #475: If you always lie, no one will believe you, even if you are telling the truth.
Life Lesson #476: Never tell the same lie twice.
Life Lesson #477: Be weird in a good way, like going to the gym drunk
Life Lesson #478: Heavy is the head that eats the crayon
Life Lesson #479: Once you get into a building, you can get to the cafeteria, which means you can get free ice
Life Lesson #480: There are some weird and smelly people on buses
Life Lesson #481: When traveling, do not forget your razor
Life Lesson #482: Using a high quality razor is hundreds of times better than using a lesser razor
Life Lesson #483: Ex’s are ex’s for a reason
Life Lesson #484: Being friends with you ex is not a good idea
Life Lesson #485: There are always exceptions to Life Lessons #483 & #484, but it’s just best to move on
Life Lesson #486: Money cannot buy class, but it can buy a class. Like a college class. Or a cooking class. Or buy you out of a class action law suit.
Life Lesson #487: Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you coffee, which is better.
Life Lesson #488: Creativity + Vision = Visitivity
Life Lesson #489: Ridiculous + Insane = Insanulous
Life Lesson #490: Hugs are weird, but also great
Life Lesson #491: If someone eats your bowl of fruit, you have to paint a picture of them naked
Life Lesson #492: Anyone that wakes up in the morning and doesn’t need or drink coffee cannot be trusted
Life Lesson #493: Some activities are best done early in the day
Life Lesson #494: Science is real
Life Lesson #495: Be open about if you really have a gluten sensitivity, or if you just want to be on a gluten free diet
Life Lesson #496: All you need is chemistry and timing
Life Lesson #497: Drama is created by those that it affects
Life Lesson #498: Play-Doh doesn’t taste good.
Life Lesson #499: Never feel bad about showing kind feelings towards someone
Life Lesson #500: Always be good at what you do
Life Lesson #501: Drink so much caffeine that your rip a phone book
Life Lesson #502: A kid needs a pet cobra
Life Lesson #503: Car accidents suck
Life Lesson #504: Make your own damn destiny
Life Lesson #505: Do not mess with people over the internet. It’s a waste of everyones time
Life Lesson #506: Subtle hints are ridiculous when big hints are needed
Life Lesson #507: Big hints are ridiculous when subtle hints are needed
Life Lesson #508: Adding more to a simple yes or no can make things more interesting.
Life Lesson #509: Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers in almost every situation.
Life Lesson #510: All comments become null and void after 7 days, therefore not usable in an argument
Life Lesson #511: If something said can be interpreted in two ways, play off the way that benefits you the most
Life Lesson #512: You can either ask someone if they can do something, or tell some how you want it done. Not both
Life Lesson #513: When watching TV, whenever possible, say whatever you need to say during commercials
Life Lesson #514: If you ask a question you don’t want a answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear
Life Lesson #515: There are only 16 colors.
Life Lesson #516: Peach is a fruit, not a color.
Life Lesson #517: Pumpkin is a fruit, not a color
Life Lesson #518: No one knows what Mauve is
Life Lesson #519: Don’t ask someone what they think unless you are prepared to hear what they have to say.
Life Lesson #520: Round is a shape
Life Lesson #521: A fish with no eyes is called a fshhhhhhhhhhhh
Life Lesson #522: When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead
Life Lesson #523: When you are stupid, you don’t know that you are stupid
Life Lesson #524: Never pass up a free sample
Life Lesson #525: Never pet a chicken
Life Lesson #526: The longer the line, the better the food
Life Lesson #527: Learn about your taxes
Life Lesson #528: When traveling internationally, it’s best to stick to bottled water and avoid ice cubes.
Life Lesson #529: Never run without stretching
Life Lesson #530: Black tie is never optional.
Life Lesson #531: If someone yells “Duck!” then duck.
Life Lesson #532: Back everything up
Life Lesson #533: It is not as important to understand the lesson as it is to follow it
Life Lesson #534: Barney Stinson is a great source for Life Lessons
Life Lesson #535: Social media is exhausting
Life Lesson #536: Learn to square dance
Life Lesson #537: Square dance definitions are vital
Life Lesson #538: People that refer to the universe as a guiding power are too scared to trust their own judgment, and lack the faith to admit they actually believe in a higher power
Life Lesson #539: To say something is or isn’t meant to be is just an excuse to deny logic
Life Lesson #540: When you get sad, stop being sad, and be awesome
Life Lesson #541: When you get depressed, stop being depressed, and be awesome
Life Lesson #542: Be wary and thankful of second chances
Life Lesson #543: Third chances are a bad idea
Life Lesson #544: Own the biggest TV’s you can get
Life Lesson #545: Own as many TV’s as you can get
Life Lesson #546: Always watch for crazy eyes
Life Lesson #547: A good idea for a party is “Wine Tasting / Help Catch the Rat Party.” That way you can put out cheese for both.
Life Lesson #548: Getting trapped under a fake boulder at the mall is weird
Life Lesson #549: Go to an all night rave in an abandoned tire factory
Life Lesson #550: Wayne Brady is hilarious
Life Lesson #551: Laser tag is awesome
Life Lesson #552: Pick good shows to watch
Life Lesson #553: When you get sick, stop being sick, and be awesome
Life Lesson #554: Weird is awesome
Life Lesson #555: Weird is normal
Life Lesson #556: It’s not a problem if you’re awesome at it
Life Lesson #557: You don’t ever want to see where the subway turns around
Life Lesson #558: “The Commodore” is an awesome nickname
Life Lesson #559: Golf is a very fun and awesome sport
Life Lesson #560: Do it yourself
Life Lesson #561: Always have a life lesson that can be used as a rebuttal
Life Lesson #562: Codependence in nature is awesome. Codependence in humanity is often not awesome
Life Lesson #563: Made up vows can be not great
Life Lesson #564: Many people are in denial about being superstitious
Life Lesson #565: British words are cool
Life Lesson #566: Used improperly, British words are stupid
Life Lesson #567: Tap water is just fine to drink
Life Lesson #568: Regularly change you Brita filter
Life Lesson #569: Always refill the Brita filter.
Life Lesson #570: Replace you shame gland with another awesome gland
Life Lesson #571: Recognize instability
Life Lesson #572: Sleep eating is a very serious and delicious medical condition
Life Lesson #573: The “Relapse-Five” is when you “High-Five,” then make it awkward for a few seconds, then you “High-Five” again.
Life Lesson #574: The “Relapse-Five” is awesome, and it is a thing
Life Lesson #575: Do unto others as they would do unto you
Life Lesson #576: Love thy neighbor
Life Lesson #577: Never ever ever ever ever love thy neighbor
Life Lesson #578: If you make any type of multiple step plan, one of those steps must be “bargaining”
Life Lesson #579: Gullible and bored are the perfect combination
Life Lesson #580: Make as many Canada Jokes as possible
Life Lesson #581: Never date a co-worker
Life Lesson #582: Never date anyone you have to see on a daily basis regardless of the outcome of the relationship
Life Lesson #583: Anger and resentment are not useful unless they are being used to fuel a rage. Forget them in all other situations
Life Lesson #584: Rages are acceptable on occasion
Life Lesson #585: Own a red suit jacket
Life Lesson #586: Own a green suit jacket
Life Lesson #587: Own a blue suit jacket
Life Lesson #588: Own a yellow suit jacket
Life Lesson #589: Own a purple suit jacket
Life Lesson #590: Own at least one ridiculous looking suit. Such as an obnoxious plaid or a non traditional color
Life Lesson #591: The three piece suit is way more classy than a two piece suit.
Life Lesson #592: The vest is a classy and important element to male attire
Life Lesson #593: It is ok to wear a suit vest in most situations
Life Lesson #594: It is ok to wear a sport jacket in most situations
Life Lesson #595: There should be a holiday for people who are single and like it that way
Life Lesson #596: Try and fix the problem, not dwell on the fact that there is a problem
Life Lesson #597: The way you see the world is completely up to you
Life Lesson #598: The way you feel is completely up to you
Life Lesson #599: “Apparently” is the fancy version of “I guess”
Life Lesson #600: Live life to the fullest. Don’t waste it
Life Lesson #601: There is always a positive side
Life Lesson #602: Particle board is weird
Life Lesson #603: When someone invites you to play laser tag, you go to that abandoned retail store and play laser tag
Life Lesson #604: Unless you wrote it, songs are not about you. You might be able to relate to it, but it’s not about you
Life Lesson #605: 11/0 gauge beads make for better beadwork than most other sizes of beads.
Life Lesson #606: Pathetic is when you’re a mess and you don’t do anything to clean yourself up
Life Lesson #607: “Chick flicks” and “rom coms” create unrealistic expectations
Life Lesson #608: Take the damn test
Life Lesson #609: A Gregorian Chant in a dark lit room filled with candles is awesome
Life Lesson #610: Never use the word Bro in the name of a failed democratic vice presidential candidate
Life Lesson #611: Anticipate when someone throws a drink in your face so you can get a free drink out of it
Life Lesson #612: Six of one; half a dozen of the other
Life Lesson #613: Similar movie interests are a very accurate compatibility test
Life Lesson #614: Nothing is “meant to be.” You either make it happen, or not
Life Lesson #615: Smoking is bad for you
Life Lesson #616: Chipmunks are the embodiment of evil. They are small, destructive creatures. They are not your friend.
Life Lesson #617: Cigarettes are disgusting
Life Lesson #618: It’s all in your head
Life Lesson #619: Make a pie chart describing your favorite bars
Life Lesson #620: Make a bar graph describing your favorite pies
Life Lesson #621: ATM stands for “Alien Time Machine”
Life Lesson #622: Anything sounds weird if you say it a hundred times
Life Lesson #623: Have code names for everyone
Life Lesson #624: Use everyone’s code name as often as possible
Life Lesson #625: When no one is able to high-five you, the “air-five” is acceptable
Life Lesson #626: When no one is willing to high-five you, the “self-five” is acceptable
Life Lesson #627: Be a master of disguise
Life Lesson #628: Be a master of distraction
Life Lesson #629: A master of distraction distracts others, not themselves
Life Lesson #630: Distracting one self can be an effective strategy to distract others
Life Lesson #631: Carry a pocket watch
Life Lesson #632: Never joke about bed-and-breakfast’s at the height of syrup season
Life Lesson #633: Drink so much coffee that you become color blind for 2 weeks
Life Lesson #634: It’s ok to do something, and then say “I don’t know why I just did that.”
Life Lesson #635: Knowledge is power
Life Lesson #636: Be established
Life Lesson #637: Choose your own damn name
Life Lesson #638: Take reasonable steps for general safety
Life Lesson #639: Monocles are great if they cost half as much as glasses
Life Lesson #640: Silent movies are awesome
Life Lesson #641: Buster Keaton is hilarious
Life Lesson #642: As long everything is in order, always choose house over apartment
Life Lesson #643: Never trust the non statistical info on the bottle
Life Lesson #644: Go to an underground poker game in a mostly abandoned insane asylum
Life Lesson #645: Go camping in secret
Life Lesson #646: Make every night legendary
Life Lesson #647: Party with mole people
Life Lesson #648: You get points for making up the point system
Life Lesson #649: Steal a camel
Life Lesson #650: Make sure your practice maneuvers that would be good in an attack
Life Lesson #651: Be the best looking person in the skinny dipping group
Life Lesson #652: Home renovation projects take four times longer than you plan
Life Lesson #653: Love people, use things, and love coffee. And bacon
Life Lesson #654: Listen to people
Life Lesson #655: Don’t focus on your weaknesses; focus on your strengths
Life Lesson #656: Learn from the past, plan for the future, but live in the present.
Life Lesson #657: One way to get rid of a telemarketer is to say “I don’t speak English.”
Life Lesson #658: Counter-sell the telemarketer
Life Lesson #659: Be positive
Life Lesson #660: The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Life Lesson #661: Never trust someone who pours the milk first, then the cereal
Life Lesson #662: Don’t squat with your spurs on
Life Lesson #663: When you need to borrow money, borrow it from a pessimist so they won’t expect it back
Life Lesson #664: You’ll get everything you want in life if you lower your expectations
Life Lesson #665: Vegetarians and vegans kill plants
Life Lesson #666: The liver is evil. It must be punished
Life Lesson #667: Never test the depth of a river with both feet
Life Lesson #668: Be yourself
Life Lesson #669: If you are a unicorn, then be a unicorn
Life Lesson #670: Do not wake up the snake
Life Lesson #671: Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver
Life Lesson #672: Therapy is expensive. Bubble wrap is cheap
Life Lesson #673: Do not be guided by anger
Life Lesson #674: Empathy is vital
Life Lesson #675: Don’t drink and drive, you’ll spill your beer
Life Lesson #676: Keep heaters away from water
Life Lesson #677: Walk it off
Life Lesson #678: Never cut your own bangs
Life Lesson #679: Never put metal in the microwave
Life Lesson #680: Never put a CD in the microwave
Life Lesson #681: Keep your eye on the ball
Life Lesson #682: Always go to the bathroom down slope
Life Lesson #683: Always drink upstream from the herd
Life Lesson #684: Bidder-auctioneer confidentiality is a thing
Life Lesson #685: A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. -Bill Cosby
Life Lesson #686: Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Life Lesson #687: The art of giving advice is to make the recipient believe that they thought of it themselves
Life Lesson #688: Clothes don’t make the man, but being naked will get you arrested
Life Lesson #689: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died
Life Lesson #690: Rice is a staple. Beans are a staple. But staples aren’t. And rice and beans make terrible staples.
Life Lesson #691: Listening is vital
Life Lesson #692: Never run a vacuum and hold a cat at the same time
Life Lesson #693: Do not say anything negative to a person holding a baseball bat
Life Lesson #694: Unless you move out of the way, throwing a brick straight up is a bad idea
Life Lesson #695: Learn how to light “strike-anywhere” matches with your thumb
Life Lesson #696: When you light “strike-anywhere” with your thumb, your hands smell like sulfur
Life Lesson #697: When you light “strike-anywhere” with your thumb, you will burn your thumb a lot
Life Lesson #698: It is better to take steps that unite us rather than divide us
Life Lesson #699: Do not be guided by hate
Life Lesson #700: When life is tough, wear a helmet
Life Lesson #701: Always replace your helmet after it saves your life
Life Lesson #702: Hermits have no peer pressure
Life Lesson #703: Kamikaze pilots had no reason to wear helmets
Life Lesson #704: If you can’t fix it with duct tape then you haven’t used enough
Life Lesson #705: Live forever
Life Lesson #706: Do not die in an elevator
Life Lesson #707: Cheese is milks attempt at immortality
Life Lesson #708: Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant
Life Lesson #709: Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans
Life Lesson #710: Don’t be a fool
Life Lesson #711: A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused
Life Lesson #712: You can be young without money but you can’t be old without it
Life Lesson #713: Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting
Life Lesson #714: A good lawyer knows the law; a corrupt one takes the judge to lunch
Life Lesson #715: Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome
Life Lesson #716: Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools
Life Lesson #717: Man was given a sense of humor to compensate for nature’s law of gravity
Life Lesson #718: Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day
Life Lesson #719: Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time
Life Lesson #720: In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft. Today, in civilized society, it is called golf
Life Lesson #721: Bacon
Life Lesson #722: The downhill path is easy, but there’s no turning back
Life Lesson #723: An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep
Life Lesson #724: An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be
Life Lesson #725: Free advice is the kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it
Life Lesson #726: Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule, or the cook
Life Lesson #727: Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together
Life Lesson #728: Forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more
Life Lesson #729: Declare peace every once in a while. It confuses your enemies
Life Lesson #730: Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian
Life Lesson #731: It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes
Life Lesson #732: One that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul
Life Lesson #733: Refuse to join any club that would accept you as a member
Life Lesson #734: If you break a jinx swear, you get hit three times in the crotch with a wifel ball bat
Life Lesson #735: Never take a blind date to a silent film
Life Lesson #736: Do business on the golf course.
Life Lesson #737: Go to a party located under a manhole cover
Life Lesson #738: Live in an apartment with swords on the wall
Life Lesson #739: “Booger” is a funny word
Life Lesson #740: Time is money
Life Lesson #741: Fake plants don’t die even if you pretend not to water them
Life Lesson #742: The four great Hollywood monsters are Count Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, and the Mummy
Life Lesson #743: Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, and Lon Chaney, Jr. are the greatest horror movie actors
Life Lesson #744: It’s ok to be addicted to brake fluid, because you can stop at any time
Life Lesson #745: Only exaggerate when you know the whole story yourself
Life Lesson #746: When buying a cat, dog, or any type of pet, always buy the oldest animal. You might not have it as long, and it might not be as cute a young one, but the older animal has been waiting longer.
Life Lesson #747: Always have a backup plan
Life Lesson #748: Always have a backup
Life Lesson #749: Always eat the backup. Because the backup undoubtedly had to do with food.
Life Lesson #750: Backups should be edible
Life Lesson #751: If an edible backup is not effective, have a secondary backup that is edible
Life Lesson #752: Whistling to a banjo can be very difficult
Life Lesson #753: Craziness starts early
Life Lesson #754: Own and use a candle stick phone with rotation dial
Life Lesson #755: Own and wear a fedora. They look good, and must be worn more often
Life Lesson #756: Call the internet the interweb
Life Lesson #757: If you feel personally victimized by a shark, call the Shark Victims Hotline to lodge your complaint
Life Lesson #758: Never do any business with Comcast
Life Lesson #759: If you plan to go to multiple really good parties, chances are that you’ll never leave the first one. So go to the one you most desire to go to first.
Life Lesson #760: Clean your damn glasses
Life Lesson #761: When you get a flat tire, use the spare car you keep in your trunk
Life Lesson #762: A reasonably intelligent 12 year old can change a tire
Life Lesson #763: If you cannot raise the wheel off the ground, then the only thing to do is to lower the ground off the wheel
Life Lesson #764: When you cannot change your flat tire, you become a pedestrian
Life Lesson #765: You cannot get a flat tire as a pedestrian. Just flat feet
Life Lesson #766: When engaging in a negotiation, it is useful to acquire a lizard to assist you
Life Lesson #767: The Untouchables (1959) is an excellent show
Life Lesson #768: Drinking a significant amount of coffee before your first class of the semester is a great idea.
Life Lesson #769: If you are going to do something, do it right
Life Lesson #770: Only do something if you have the time, money, and energy to do it correctly
Life Lesson #771: When you have been using a specific online website for class for 3 years and then the school decides to change it, do not bother learning how to use the new one. Who cares
Life Lesson #772: There is a point when it is no longer about doing things right, just getting things done.
Life Lesson #773: There is a point when it is not about doing a good job.
Life Lesson #774: Do whatever
Life Lesson #775: When working at a food pantry, actually do work. Don’t be a vegetable. But if you do too much, you might become a nut. Or a fruit. Just don’t be a ham. Or a turkey. Or a chicken
Life Lesson #776: Those that do not drink their coffee black with no sugar cannot be trusted
Life Lesson #777: There are no exceptions to Life Lesson #776
Life Lesson #778: Sports do not demonstrate real-world team work the way many say it does
Life Lesson #779: Barbecue chicken pizza is not pizza
Life Lesson #780: Do not order barbecue chicken pizza
Life Lesson #781: When washing dishes, used coffee grounds can serve well as an effective scrubbing abrasive
Life Lesson #782: The longer you wait to clean something up, the longer it will take to clean it up
Life Lesson #783: When frying bell pepper, onion, and mushrooms for your pasta sauce, use a little olive oil, but mostly use Italian Dressing or a basalmic vinegarette
Life Lesson #784: Hater?
Life Lesson #785: If you feel the need to address your “haters,” then you care too much about what people think about you
Life Lesson #786: Have a life and have fun. After you do that, only then can you ruin your life with a serious relationship
Life Lesson #787: Have a hat guy and an embroidery guy
Life Lesson #788: Don’t be as interesting and special as a wet carrot
Life Lesson #789: Numbers are cannibals
Life Lesson #790: If you are going to someone with the phrase “that sucks,” then don’t say anything at all. That person knows it sucks. There is no need to state the obvious
Life Lesson #791: To detach yourself from emotion:
1. Focus on the object of your fear.
2. Picture that object in your mind. That image is accompanied by an emotional response
3. Find a way to defeat that image in you mind
4. Watch that image be defeated and go away. As it leaves, it is no longer a part of your mind, and neither is the emotional response
Life Lesson #792: To meditate, put your hands together, with both index fingers pointed out together. Close your eyes. Imagine that all the energy in your body is flowing to the point where your finger tips meet. Nothing else that you hear or feel is important. Let the outside world fade away. You exist only inside your mind.
Life Lesson #793: It’s ok to be sensitive
Life Lesson #794: Love is like swimming with sharks. If you’re not left with several bite marks afterwards, then somethings wrong
Life Lesson #795: Southern rock is a mixture of blues and slightly harder rock
Life Lesson #796: Having a job where you clean mirrors is something you can really see yourself doing
Life Lesson #797: If you ever get cold, go stand in a corner. They are usually about 90 degrees
Life Lesson #798: Taxidermy jokes are acceptable
Life Lesson #799: Copyright laws are great
Life Lesson #800: Off-brand names are difficult
Life Lesson #801: Colored lights are cool
Life Lesson #802: Always choose the small business over the larger business.
Life Lesson #803: All is fair in love and war and coffee
Life Lesson #804: Do not mess with a mongoose
Life Lesson #805: $20 million is actually $12 million after taxes, but $4 billion is still $4 billion
Life Lesson #806: Murphy’s Law is real
Life Lesson #807: You have to make an effort for a personal invite
Life Lesson #808: Always look both ways before crossing the street
Life Lesson #809: Always look both ways before crossing the street, even if the street is a one way street.
Life Lesson #810: Books with pictures are awesome
Life Lesson #811: If you cook with either onion, bell pepper, bacon, or garlic, your cooking will always smell good.
Life Lesson #812: Never play leapfrog with a unicorn
Life Lesson #813: Procrastination gives you something to look forward to
Life Lesson #814: Always be weary of authoritarianism
Life Lesson #815: If you want to lose weight, eat more protein
Life Lesson #816: Drinking hot coffee right after you brush your teeth with a mint toothpaste is an uncomfortable feeling
Life Lesson #817: Never interrupt your enemy when they are making a mistake
Life Lesson #818: Do not become a workaholic
Life Lesson #819: Like golf, golf umbrellas are awesome
Life Lesson #820: Always keep a golf umbrella in your golf bag
Life Lesson #821: Always keep your golf bag in close proximity to you place of residence
Life Lesson #822: Emoji’s are hilarious
Life Lesson #823: Viking attire is always appropriate
Life Lesson #824: The years biggest celebrations are to occur on January 13 (Day of the First Life Lesson), Halloween, and Leif Erikson Day
Life Lesson #825: Mike Rowe is an awesome guy, and he has a lot of great things to say
Life Lesson #826: BBQ pulled chicken is good, but it’s not as good as BBQ pulled pork
Life Lesson #827: Suction cups are cool
Life Lesson #828: Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything
Life Lesson #829: Blowing up a dead whale is a messy job
Life Lesson #830: Buy a stethoscope
Life Lesson #831: Head cheese has its name because no one would buy something called head meat
Life Lesson #832: Dirty Jobs is a great show with many lessons to learn
Life Lesson #833: Use a step ladder when your pants are stuck in the ceiling fan
Life Lesson #844: Don’t use the manual, use a hammer
Life Lesson #845: When you do things right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.
Life Lesson #846: Make things for your house
Life Lesson #847: When deciding to buy a yacht to house your thoroughbreds, always smoke a cigar
Life Lesson #848: Tea is good, but it is not a replacement for coffee
Life Lesson #849: Never trust someone who doesn’t respect you
Life Lesson #850: Balloons are awesome
Life Lesson #851: It’s great to meet new people because then you can retell the same stories
Life Lesson #852: Do not get an Instagram
Life Lesson #853: If one gets an Instagram, only post random pictures
Life Lesson #854: Pictures of ceiling fans are an acceptable subject of pictures for Instagram
Life Lesson #855: Most ceilings have both a light fixture and some sort of fan or vent
Life Lesson #856: Many ceilings also have sprinklers
Life Lesson #857: According to Geico, woodchucks can chuck wood
Life Lesson #858: Getting a haircut can be described as shear pleasure
Life Lesson #859: Keeping firewood in the trunk of your car is a good idea
Life Lesson #860: Chad is short
Life Lesson #861: If you see something, then say something about it, and then a few seconds later are asked a question about what you had just said, and you have forgotten what you had said, along with the thing you had said it about, then you need to rethink the way you do things.
Life Lesson #862: Be wary of existential crisis, though they can be necessary from time to time
Life Lesson #863: Own multiple TV remotes
Life Lesson #864: Things that are so overt become covert
Life Lesson #865: When eating a new food that you either don’t like or have nothing to compare it to, claim that you can’t remember if you’ve ever had better
Life Lesson #866: When driving, never underestimate the value of a clean windshield
Life Lesson #867: Drinking embalming fluid is toxic
Life Lesson #868: Embalming fluid is another viable option for Life Lesson #349
Life Lesson #869: Any substance relating to Life Lesson #349 should only be consumed in non lethal amounts
Life Lesson #870: A paradox can be overcome by making a Life Lesson about it.
Life Lesson #871: Life Lessons can be made regardless of existence status
Life Lesson #872: Clean your desk
Life Lesson #873: Dry leaves are easier to rake than wet leaves
Life Lesson #874: Raking wet leaves is a workout
Life Lesson #875: Constantly rake your leaves so you don’t have to rake them all up at the same time
Life Lesson #876: Wet leaves are not as fun to play in as dry leaves
Life Lesson #877: Drinking coffee improves leaf raking productivity
Life Lesson #878: The more people you have raking leaves, the easier the task is, and the faster it is accomplished
Life Lesson #879: The purpose of raking leaves is so the grass does not die over the winter
Life Lesson #880: Dry leaves serve as very effective insulation
Life Lesson #881: Wet leaves are not as effective as an insulator as dry leaves
Life Lesson #882: Leaves are not the best tool in starting a fire
Life Lesson #883: Leaves can be an effective tool in starting a fire
Life Lesson #884: Leaves should not be a first choice in fire starting related activities
Life Lesson #885: Leaf jokes are acceptable
Life Lesson #886: Puns about cities are acceptable
Life Lesson #887: Puns about Dayton, Ohio are hilarious
Life Lesson #888: The number 8 and a capital B can be difficult to distinguish under certain circumstances
Life Lesson #889: The numbers 8 and 9 can be difficult to distinguish under certain circumstances
Life Lesson #890: Always have a lot of things to say about everything
Life Lesson #891: Always know the appropriate times to say and not say the many things you have to say about everything.
Life Lesson #892: Just because you know the appropriate times to say or not say the many things you have to say about everything doesn’t mean you have to follow that intuition
Life Lesson #893: Always have a voice of reason
Life Lesson #894: Just because you have a voice of reason doesn’t mean you have to listen to that voice
Life Lesson #895: If you have many voices of reason, listen to the voice that seems to have had the most coffee
Life Lesson #896: Confusion can often be interchangeable with humor
Life Lesson #897: Making and posting Life Lessons can be a great distraction.
Life Lesson #898: When going to a bar, leave your knife in the car
Life Lesson #899: Leaving your knife at home is also a good idea when you go to a bar or dance club
Life Lesson #900: Never be afraid to ask
Life Lesson #901: Quarters may be small individually, but when in masses, they are a force to be reckoned with
Life Lesson #902: If one does not like Cincinnati Chili, they cannot be trusted
Life Lesson #903: A good goal in life is to write and publish a bathroom publication
Life Lesson #904: Hair dries better in dry and warm places, not outside when it is raining.
Life Lesson #905: Everyone must buy left handed golf clubs on International Lefthanders Day
Life Lesson #906: There is always another way to do something.
Life Lesson #907: It’s not about whether you win or lose, but how you weave your basket
Life Lesson #908: It is easier to find a belt buckle than a belt.
Life Lesson #909: Take two naps at the same time to be efficient
Life Lesson #910: Learn how to take two naps at the same time
Life Lesson #911: Own as many name tags a possible
Life Lesson #912: Own and use a summoning bag
Life Lesson #913: Bread is the paper of the food industry.
Life Lesson #914: Connecticut casual is the same as Pennsylvania business
Life Lesson #915: Life is short, drive fast and leave a sexy corpse
Life Lesson #916: Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves
Life Lesson #917: Those who cannot farm farm celery
Life Lesson #918: Hauling cube means moving boxes
Life Lesson #919: Beware of bat weevils
Life Lesson #920: To be fast is to have speed somewhere in between a snake and a mongoose
Life Lesson #921: Always think one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs
Life Lesson #922: Bear attacks come when you least expect them.
Life Lesson #923: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 odds on anything, you take it
Life Lesson #924: Computers are about trying to murder you in a lake
Life Lesson #925: Don’t be mistaken for a laundry ghost
Life Lesson #926: To call something “one of those things” is an accurate statement
Life Lesson #927: Nothing is more reassuring than realizing that the world is crazier than you are
Life Lesson #928: There is no greater enemy than ones own fears
Life Lesson #929: Do not let the promise of the future obscure the glories of the past
Life Lesson #930: Great men do not seek power, they have power thrust upon them
Life Lesson #931: A sharp knife is nothing without a shape eye
Life Lesson #932: Believe in coincidences, but do not trust coincidences.
Life Lesson #933: Never make fun of a movie you haven’t seen
Life Lesson #934: Always marinate your ribs overnight
Life Lesson #935: Sentiment is the greatest weakness of them all, although it is often a lesson better off not learned
Life Lesson #936: Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is the answer
Life Lesson #937: Cuts from sharp knives are better to deal with than cuts from dull knives.
Life Lesson #938: Never underestimate what someone is willing to pay for a glass of burning alcohol
Life Lesson #939: Love is a distraction
Life Lesson #940: Lonely and self sufficient are two different view points of the same thing
Life Lesson #941: When it comes to picnics, the only thing that really matters is the company
Life Lesson #942: Who ever controls the sea controls the land, and whoever controls the air controls the sea
Life Lesson #943: Some things are better left in the past
Life Lesson #944: Perfection sometimes necessitates selfishness
Life Lesson #945: Bending the rules can be effective
Life Lesson #946: When you are hungry, eat something
Life Lesson #947: Magnets are awesome
Life Lesson #948: Everyone should use magnets
Life Lesson #949: One of the advantages of being in charge is being able to ask for advice without necessarily having to take it
Life Lesson #950: Do not worry about awkwardness when searching for people to join your intramural soccer team.
Life Lesson #951: Drinking coffee helps one think of ideas on how to find more people to join your intramural soccer team.
Life Lesson #952: Intramural Soccer is fun
Life Lesson #953: Meme creation is most productive with caffeine
Life Lesson #954: In some cases, the truth is usually an excuse for a lack of imagination
Life Lesson #955: In some cases, never tell the truth when a lie will do
Life Lesson #956: You can wound a man without ever seeing his face
Life Lesson #957: Depending how grave ones enemies are, one should not allow their enemies to outlive him
Life Lesson #958: While it is ridiculous to describe yourself with inspirational quotes, stating awesome quotes is always acceptable
Life Lesson #959: How rough the sea is can be measured from calm to “An old man trying to return soup at the deli”
Life Lesson #960: Nothing mixed better than vanilla and chocolate
Life Lesson #961: Keep your phone under the couch
Life Lesson #962: There is no slow way to drive off a cliff
Life Lesson #963: Coffee is a lot like driving. When they cut you off, you’re going to crash
Life Lesson#964: Only the nose knows where the knows goes
Life Lesson #965: It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there are solutions other than violence to a problem.
Life Lesson #966: Sarcasm is angers subtle cousin
Life Lesson #967: Eventually, inhaling enough dust will make you feel sick
Life Lesson #968: Do not inhale a lot of dust
Life Lesson #969: Inhaling dust builds character
Life Lesson #970: Always build character
Life Lesson #971: For every great advantage there is a disadvantage
Life Lesson #972: Beware of rolling backpacks
Life Lesson #973: Decaf isn’t coffee. It’s dirt and water. Don’t drink dirt and water
Life Lesson #974: Always be nice to those that serve you coffee
Life Lesson #975: Calling someone an Irish Mule will have the same effect as calling someone a Welsh Donkey
Life Lesson #976: Throw people off guard whenever possible
Life Lesson #977: Always flush the toilet
Life Lesson #978: Anger is a waste of emotion
Life Lesson #979: Follow the arrow that has not yet been aimed
Life Lesson #980: Never turn your back on a bear
Life Lesson #981: Never turn your back on the dominant turkey during mating season
Life Lesson #982: People who eat 8 protein bars in one sitting don’t trust egg whites
Life Lesson #983: Never base your standards off of a movie
Life Lesson #984: If your surge protector is stolen, you will be prone to surges
Life Lesson #985: Poison Ivy is the wasp of the plant world
Life Lesson #986: Own a bear horn
Life Lesson #987: R is one of the most menacing sounds
Life Lesson #988: Never go to the grocery store hungry
Life Lesson #989: Bear attacks come when you least expect them
Life Lesson #990: Sherlock Holmes is the greatest detective
Life Lesson #991: Torches make awesome lighters
Life Lesson #992: Always know what you are doing
Life Lesson #993: If you always know what you are doing, you will never be wrong
Life Lesson #994: Never be wrong
Life Lesson #995: Always keep a mask in the trunk of your car
Life Lesson #996: Know everything
Life Lesson #997: Eat everything
Life Lesson #998: Drink everything
Life Lesson #999: Realize that you are in the good times before you actually leave them
Life Lesson #1000: There is a difference between a “wheel chair” and a “wheeled chair”
Life Lesson #1001: If you need to be consistent, always keep the highest level of consistency
Life Lesson #1002: It’s not a lie if you believe it, but it’s still not true
Life Lesson #1003: Often, the person in the room with the biggest stack of papers is in charge.
Life Lesson #1004: A wolverine is a weasel, not a wolf
Life Lesson #1005: When you see a dog cage for sale, you buy it
Life Lesson #1006: Having a flip phone means you’re either poor or a time traveler. Or awesome.
Life Lesson #1007: Drunk texts are like a Russian novel
Life Lesson #1008: Never stand next to a better looking person when participating in a group photo
Life Lesson #1009: Change isn’t good or bad, it’s what you make of it
Life Lesson #1010: You can never paddle enough
Life Lesson #1011: Avery’s Three Rules of Canoeing:
1. Never stop paddling. It doesn’t matter how hard you paddle, just don’t stop
2. If you flip the canoe, you will have to grab all your gear and swim to the next portage/campsite
3. If you have any questions, refer to rules 1 and 2
Life Lesson #1012: You can never apply enough sunscreen
Life Lesson #1013: When canoeing, there may be times when you see someone that looks like they play 4 sports professionally and have a very deep voice
Life Lesson #1014: A canoe seat is always a good investment
Life Lesson #1015: When canoeing, if the wind is with you, the wind is your friend
Life Lesson #1016: When canoeing, if the wind is against you, the wind sucks
Life Lesson #1017: When canoeing, if the wind is to your side, the wakes that the wind may create may flip your canoe. So the wind sucks
Life Lesson #1018: Be the work horse
Life Lesson #1019: When you portage a canoe, no one should make more than 2 trips
Life Lesson #1020: Your personal dry bag should never weigh more than your kitchen dry bag
Life Lesson #1021: Always bring a chair
Life Lesson #1022: Never bring too many chairs
Life Lesson #1023: Although ultra light aluminum canoes are not as light as Kevlar canoes, aluminum canoes are much more durable
Life Lesson #1024: Spotify is confusing and should never be purchased
Life Lesson #1025: The only acceptable pet for a man to have is a salt water fish
Life Lesson #1026: Without ash to rise from, the phoenix is just a bird
Life Lesson #1027: Robert Conrad sounds awesome
Life Lesson #1028: Do not harass trees in public.
Life Lesson #1029: Trees do not like to be hugged, though it is a nice gesture
Life Lesson #1030: Always have the biggest frying pan
Life Lesson #1031: Never care what people think of you
Life Lesson #1032: Hopeless romantics may lack judgment
Life Lesson #1033: You can get a tetanus shot, but you can’t cure damaged suede
Life Lesson #1034: If you try to walk through a port-a-john, you will fail miserably
Life Lesson #1035: Napkins are for the weak
Life Lesson #1036: Go ataway
Life Lesson #1037: Cliff
Life Lesson #1038: Clayton is tall
Life Lesson #1039: If you try to slap someone, don’t purposely miss
Life Lesson #1040: Do not hold a cub scouts nail during wood projects
Life Lesson #1041: Do not get hit with a hammer
Life Lesson #1042: Hammers are dangerous
Life Lesson #1043: Hammers hurt
Life Lesson #1044: Hammers make you bleed
Life Lesson #1045: Hammers are fun
Life Lesson #1046: Do not hit concrete with a hammer
Life Lesson #1047: Hammers and kids don’t mix
Life Lesson #1048: Hammers and cub scouts don’t mix
Life Lesson #1049: Hammers and adults don’t mix
Life Lesson #1050: Hammers and cub scouts with adults somewhat mix
Life Lesson #1051: If someone tells you to drink water, do it. They are not wrong
Life Lesson #1052: If the stove doesn’t work, light it on fire
Life Lesson #1053: Driveways are a good career choice
Life Lesson #1054: The longest sunset you will ever see is the one you go into
Life Lesson #1055: Always bring your laptop and 1tb hard drive
Life Lesson #1056: Dedication to stupidity is still stupidity
Life Lesson #1057: Never be a part of a lodge outside of the plains region that utilizes plains outfits
Life Lesson #1058: A wet dog smells like a wet dog
Life Lesson #1059: A flightless bird can not fly
Life Lesson #1060: The Vigil Honor should be named the Vigil Commitment
Life Lesson #1061: Be a cake donut kind of guy
Life Lesson #1062: Shnu shnu shnu shnu shnu
Life Lesson #1063: You don’t have to know all the life lessons, you just have to follow them
Life Lesson #1064: Some people eat business cards
Life Lesson #1065: There is more than one crib tree in a forrest
Life Lesson #1066: Conquer Normandy
Life Lesson #1067: Eat your damn food
Life Lesson #1068: Cheese
Life Lesson #1069: Be the most beautiful person on your oil rig
Life Lesson #1070: Blueprints for the future are a fools errand
Life Lesson #1071: Be ware of those that do not abide by the Geneva Convention
Life Lesson #1072: Enjoy the little things
Life Lesson #1073: Push all the buttons
Life Lesson #1074: When you find something new, you must lick it before you eat it
Life Lesson #1075: When someone offered you a mint, you take it
Life Lesson #1076: All places should have a full velociraptor transportation system
Life Lesson #1077: Important people don’t do commercials
Life Lesson #1078: Never buy cereal while looking west
Life Lesson #1079: You can dye anything
Life Lesson #1080: Never put on a pair of pants behind a jar of salsa
Life Lesson #1081: The Animal Conspiracy is real
Life Lesson #1082: Never try to rope a deer
Life Lesson #1083: Venison is delicious
Life Lesson #1083: When faced with space plague, talk to it
Life Lesson #1085: Beware of Dragon Ball Z parody
Life Lesson #1086: Batteries are good, and they’re getting better
Life Lesson #1087: Things that seem important, may be important
Life Lesson #1088: Things that seem important, may not be important
Life Lesson #1089: Things that don’t seem important, may not be important
Life Lesson #1090: Things that don’t seem important, may be important
Life Lesson #1091: Things that are important, may not seem important
Life Lesson #1092: Things that are important, may seem important
Life Lesson #1093: Things that are not important, may seem not important
Life Lesson #1094: Things that are not important, may seem important
Life Lesson #1095: Life Lessons #1087-1094 are not important
Life Lesson #1096: Life Lesson #1095 may seem important
Life Lesson #1097: Marsupials are fast
Life Lesson #1098: Marsupials are scary
Life Lesson #1099: Loudness is good. And easier to hear.
Life Lesson #1100: Loudness is easier to hear, but makes less loud things harder to hear.
Life Lesson #1101: Go swimming
Life Lesson #1102: Brainwaves and thoughts are weird
Life Lesson #1103: You can’t sell life insurance with a spider tattoo on your face
Life Lesson #1104: Buy rental property
Life Lesson #1105: Be an eagle, not a chicken
Life Lesson #1106: There is lots of money to be made in eggs. And rental property
Life Lesson #1107: Gambling is the answer to world peace
Life Lesson #1108: Get people to help you buy rental property
Life Lesson #1109: Own a good desk
Life Lesson #1110: Standing desks are awesome
Life Lesson #1111: Double monitor setups are the best
Life Lesson #1112: It is possible to have too many laptops
Life Lesson #1113: September 29th is International Coffee Day
Life Lesson #1114: Spilling coffee is sad, as coffee has been wasted
Life Lesson #1115: Spilling coffee should not disrupt your coffee drinking, as you should have a significant amount of backup coffee
Life Lesson #1116: Drink all the backup coffee
Life Lesson #1117: Sturgeon are the basset hounds of the fish world
Life Lesson #1118: Never trust a flying fish
Life Lesson #1119: If you live in snake country, always carry a shovel
Life Lesson #1120: Raccoons hate recycling
Life Lesson #1121: Always make the raccoons Irish
Life Lesson #1122: Yes is always the answer.
Life Lesson #1123: No is always the answer
Life Lesson #1124: Always use elephant proof containers
Life Lesson #1125: Eat a bagel
Life Lesson #1126: Don’t be afraid of Frankenstein
Life Lesson #1127: Don’t be afraid of Frankenstein’s monster
Life Lesson #1128: Letter openers are useful
Life Lesson #1129: Twist-ties are awesome
Life Lesson #1130: Letter openers are awesome
Life Lesson #1131: Open your mail with a letter opener
Life Lesson #1132: Use an awesome letter opener
Life Lesson #1133: Life is too short, so eat some bacon
Life Lesson #1134: Do not eat your letter opener
Life Lesson #1135: Whatever you use to open your mail is a letter opener
Life Lesson #1136: Butter knives make good letter openers
Life Lesson #1137: Never put a joke in an email
Life Lesson #1138: “Here” is “there” without a “T”
Life Lesson #1139: Always listen to a bunch of tone deaf nuns playing yellow submarine with harpsichords
Life Lesson #1140: You never want to be put in a situation where you have to squirt water into a clowns mouth
Life Lesson #1141: Doing something special makes you special
Life Lesson #1142: Just showing up doesn’t make you special
Life Lesson #1143: All ways call a professional
Life Lesson #1144: Always get as many estimates as you can
Life Lesson #1145: Stay out of chimneys
Life Lesson #1146: If a bunch of cows fall off a cliff, it’s an utter disaster
Life Lesson #1147: Milk the joke as much as you can
Life Lesson #1148: There’s nothing like a 1960s vampire western.
Life Lesson #1149: If there is an alligator in your attic, he wins, you move
Life Lesson #1150: A comedian isn’t that different from a carnival hippo
Life Lesson #1151: Holding a door for someone is polite, unless it’s a revolving door
Life Lesson #1152: Pick up a hitchhiker
Life Lesson #1153: Hang around in places of uncertain wind direction
Life Lesson #1154: If it first you don’t succeed, Sky diving is it for you
Life Lesson #1155: If you think that finding things in stores is difficult, try finding a saddle for a squirrel
Life Lesson #1156: The value of ones life is not measured by what you have in the bank, but what from you will inherit from your family, and then put in the bank, to use to buy rental property
Life Lesson #1157: Don’t measure the value of your life through your work, measure the value of your life through your family, and get them to help you buy rental property
Life Lesson #1158: Flying a kite is fishing for birds
Life Lesson #1159: Strawberry fields forever is a beautiful image, unless you’re a migrant worker
Life Lesson #1160: All Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches need green pepper
Life Lesson #1161: College will get you to use email
Life Lesson #1162: Do not look for joy in your work, look for joy and your family, and get them to help you buy rental property
Life Lesson #1163: The sky is not the limit. If you get a rocket, you can go out into space, and in space, there is no limit
Life Lesson #1164: You can go anywhere in space. Unless you want to come back, then you have to turn around halfway
Life Lesson #1165: Being a cog in the machine is ok, especially if they have a dental plan
Life Lesson #1166: A guy with a spider tattoo on their face can be an exterminator with their face as a self-promoting billboard
Life Lesson #1167: Bellbottom pants look like lampshades for the feet
Life Lesson #1168: Benchpress an elk
Life Lesson #1169: The Art teacher has a smock for you.
Life Lesson #1170: Every good Frankenstein hunter has a torch
Life Lesson #1171: Read receipts for emails are cool
Life Lesson #1172: Movements are good. Especially in music and bathrooms
Life Lesson #1173: Going 35 in a 50 is not ok
Life Lesson #1174: Stealing someone’s coffee is called Mugging
Life Lesson #1175: If your coffee was stolen, you were mugged
Life Lesson #1176: If it’s foggy, it’s a UFO
Life Lesson #1177: When you’re fishing for tuna, sometimes you catch a dolphin
Life Lesson #1178: When you’re fishing for tuna, sometimes you catch a shark
Life Lesson #1179: Do not fish for tuna
Life Lesson #1180: Do not eat tuna
Life Lesson #1181: Do not catch a shark
Life Lesson #1182: If you do catch a shark, it was nice knowing you
Life Lesson #1183: Do not get speared by a marlin
Life Lesson #1184: Do not get hit in the face by a sturgeon
Life Lesson #1185: Do not get hit in the face by a maceral
Life Lesson #1186: If you get hit in the face by a maceral, yell “holy maceral!”
Life Lesson #1187: If you get hit in the face by a maceral, find, catch, and eat that maceral.
Life Lesson #1188: Do not lose pride due to getting hit in the face by a maceral
Life Lesson #1189: In a parade, always put the horses at the end
Life Lesson #1190: In a parade, always put the elephants at the end
Life Lesson #1191: If you are going to put animals that relieve themselves frequently in a parade, always put those animals at the end of the parade
Life Lesson #1192: Putting animals that frequently relieve themselves at the front of a parade makes a hilarious scene
Life Lesson #1193: The wireless mouse is a great invention
Life Lesson #1194: The wireless keyboard is a great invention
Life Lesson #1195: The combined wireless mouse and keyboard is a great invention
Life Lesson #1196: Always use a wireless mouse and keyboard
Life Lesson #1197: Getting coffee on your birthday is always a great idea
Life Lesson #1198: Always get coffee on your birthday
Life Lesson #1199: Keep it up
Life Lesson #1200: There becomes a point when you’ve been doing something for a long time, and you know you should stop, and you know you should have stopped a long time ago, but at the same time, you don’t want to stop, and stopping wouldn’t be as much fun, and you’re not going to stop anytime soon
Life Lesson #1201: Life Lesson #1200 is referring to Avery’s Life Lessons
Life Lesson #1202: Clarification Life Lessons are acceptable
Life Lesson #1203: If you’re not willing to put your name to something, then you shouldn’t say that thing in the first place
Life Lesson #1204: Unless it is a matter of public safety, do not take anonymous information seriously
Life Lesson #1205: Do not preach to the choir. You might make the members mad
Life Lesson #1206: Always check the bottle
Life Lesson #1207: Do not put Hydrogen Peroxide in your eyes
Life Lesson #1208: Putting hydrogen peroxide in your eyes hurts
Life Lesson #1209: Always by the best stuff
Life Lesson #1210: Never spend too much on the best stuff
Life Lesson #1211: Always buy the best stuff for the cheapest price
Life Lesson #1212: If you buy the cheap stuff, make sure its the best cheap stuff
Life Lesson #1213: When a frenchman complains about how bad something smells, you know it’s reaching toxic levels
Life Lesson #1214: If you make enough money you can pay people to look at you naked
Life Lesson #1215: Steal the sink
Life Lesson #1216: When in doubt, never follow the introvert
Life Lesson #1217: In the fight of scientific evidence vs public opinion, public opinion always wins, even though it shouldn’t
Life Lesson #1218: Anything under a spotlight is protected by the arts
Life Lesson #1219: The movie “The birds” is a documentary
Life Lesson #1220: Many movies are actually documentaries
Life Lesson #1221: Don’t change your carpet, just your diet
Life Lesson #1222: Unconscious people don’t want tea
Life Lesson #1223: Work the day shift at a graveyard
Life Lesson #1224: Work the graveyard shift at a days inn
Life Lesson #1225: Use many lamps